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| Monday, November 9th, 2009 | | 7:08 pm |
A boy with one hundred hands Came groping through the dark And stumbled upon the light you gave off And fell gently into your arms One hand it held the earth Another stirred the sea One handed you a key and said: We've come to set you free 'Cause you're better than the world you live in The gossips and the clowns Deep in your darkest dungeon singing So no one can hear a sound So no hand can come to pick you up And no hand can pull you down I drew a picture book With pictures green and blue And sent them off to a museum All this I did for you But one hand had used your heart Held beating in the light With a heart like that one hundred hands Could never paint quite right 'Cause you're better than the world you live in And nobody told you so Trapped in your ghetto gardening With no helping hand to grow Just one hand to hold you in my heart And one hand to let you go | | Thursday, October 1st, 2009 | | 12:42 am |
you are the wire in my blood
i know it's late and i know you're worried but i've been out walking down every wet alley clearing my brain.. just clearing my brain but people keep talking yeah they just keep talking I'm loneliest in the evening when i'm at home.. so i'll just keep my feet moving baby I know it's late I know you're worried the wind is whipping i think it's crying and i can see the rain in the street light maybe I'll come back to you, but it won't be tonight and you, call to me, like the wire in my blood and i'm sinking, you've got me sinking in your flood the cold has invaded my bones and i think i have a fever and it's starting to feel like i'm under water i'm swimming, or maybe drowning baby i'm drowning and you, call to me, like the wire in my blood and i'm sinking, you've got me sinking in your flood and you, call to me, like the wire in my blood and i'm siking, I'm sinking... i know it's late and i know you're worried but i've been out walking just clearing my brain.. easing my mind but people keep talking yeah they just keep talking and you, call to me, like the wire in my blood and i'm sinking, you've got me sinking in your flood and you, call to me, like the wire in my blood and i'm sinking, you've got me sinking in your flood i know it's late and i know you're worried but i've been out walking just thinking | | Monday, June 22nd, 2009 | | 4:14 pm |
I want to pledge allegiance to the country where I live I don't want to be ashamed to be American But opportunity no, it don't exist It's the opiate of the populace We need some harder shit now The truth is getting around And each public school is a halfway house Where the huddled masses sober up and up enough There's not enough to fatten the cows And feed all of us It's just a rationing of luck What can't be bought gets raffled off Oh God good God shed greed on thee Your shining sea turned a dirty green From the industry off the shores of New Jersey I got a letter from the army So I think that I'll enlist I'm not brave or proud of nothing I just want to kill something Too bad that now-a-days you just point and click Swing low satellite Hot white chariot In the computer's blue glare The bombs burst in the air There was a city once now nothing is there Our freedom comes at their expense It makes sense, does it? Dollars and cents They're stretching barbed wire across the picket fence That is surrounding your housing development Just in case you lack the confidence Oh God my God give strength to thee These amber waves purple majesty Are nothing but backdrops for Disney We'll look up close It is superimposed on a blank blue screen It is fantasy fucking magical The dreams floats like a chemical Through each snapped synapse our television past That is beautiful, no more. no more! Desaparecidos - Happiest Place on Earth | | Tuesday, February 24th, 2009 | | 8:50 am |
| | Tuesday, December 23rd, 2008 | | 3:26 am |
for all the points of the compass, theres only one direction. And time is its only measure.
So.. this blog is as close to worthless as one can get. An amazing achievement to only be one line in, eh? Anyway.. There has not been much to report here on the slaughterfront. I've had far too many sober nights, and a few too many drunken ones.. It seems I get drunk on the nights I should stay sober, and stay sober on the nights that would best be passed drunk. So it goes for the brutal screaming bastard. It seems I should be catching you up on my life. The real problem is, there is nothing interesting.. At least outside all the secrets I do not dare confide into the internet abyss. Gossip spreads so fast on these digital highways.. and quickly becomes gospel in ruined cities like these. Where there is nothing better to do than talk down about your fellow man or woman. Things simply are as they are. No new music I keep promising. The more I listen to it. The more I hate it. I'm so close to cutting the cords.. so that I'm not even tempted by those plastic and polished aluminum beasts. I guess I could say I found someone.. but that would not really be the truth. Truth is the more I want the less I'm allowed to have.. So I find myself tempering these tempting thoughts of adoration and affection with menial bullshit.. Just to escape the way it feels to want the unwantable. I know, I'm making up words as I go. It's sort of my thing. When you have no word to fill the space.. place something there.. make it fit. Believe enough in it.. and it will serve it's purpose. Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on. She knows I want. That is all that matters in the end. Sometimes the price of desire is getting that what you wish for. Sometimes, But other times.... Even for brief moments it feels like stardust lighting up your insides. "Generally speaking, things have gone about as far as they can possibly go, when things have gotten about as bad as they can reasonably get." | | Thursday, November 20th, 2008 | | 4:21 pm |
in the works
katzenjammer how many nights have I laid in this state, fearing the mourning lights disjointed by the wailing hate the ground falling out from beneath me, the all colors fading from my sight. so I drink again, to mask the depression and you said you can't stand this side of me so i drink agian, to your chagrin the walls are up, to avoid the truth of your words as i slip into my familiar sin katzenjammer, attacking my clarity like a hammer the wailing cat has taken over so bury me now, my missing lover I see my face in the mirror and it's losing it's color so I drink again in fits of dejection and you say you can't stand the sight of me so i drink again, I can't pretend that this will end not without the loss of my sanity (this is a demo in the works. all words subject to change. This one is pretty close to done. Still needs some serious guitar) | | Sunday, November 2nd, 2008 | | 1:13 pm |
if ever i had a friend
i seemed to have missed placed them. .. like conor says.. no one ever planned to sleep out in the gutter, sometimes that's just the most comfortable place. | | Friday, October 31st, 2008 | | 8:38 pm |
In the days before she came
in the time it took to say hello You were already plotting your goodbye and if i may be so bold you were never mine to hold i believe she left a tear behind a memento, a keepsake for my crestfallen heart | | Monday, October 6th, 2008 | | 4:39 pm |
You Don't Mess with the Lohan
The Jet Set Lifestyle of Michael Magus & the Reavers! okay.. so today I got a package in the mail. A 200+gig hard drive from war torn Afghanistan. I'm glad it made it. Although most likely I am now on some terrorist watch list. (thanks Steve we are both now being watched by the man. Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?) So yeah.. like the idiot I am.. have him put it in a Reiser format. As opposed to windows native NTFS. Not only did I have him do this. I also had him encrypt it. All this he does for me. Now I get the drive.. I tear through the package like a kid on christmas. I make all the needed changes to my system. I resetup my usb connections (only to realize Yes! Indeed I do have a firewire cable!).. and then I think.. um. How do you get windows to A. be able to read/write to reiser (you might think this is easy, but it is not).. and b. How do I get it to do this.. AND unencrypt it.... Now we have a problem. All that being said.. I may be able to run a live Linux cd.. and pull the files over a couple gig at a time to my windows drive.. and then back them ALL up on dvds.. but still I have to find a way around the encryption while doing this. oh vey. p.s. I still don't even have the encryption key... which means I can't even begin to start pulling this mess apart.. I will be so glad when I finally get through all this.. and can be posting from the safety of a Linux distro. Like Ubuntu, Debian, or Gentoo. Update:the live disc did not work. fuck. | | Tuesday, February 12th, 2008 | | 2:32 pm |
| | Saturday, July 14th, 2007 | | 12:10 am |
In the end it's the what ifs that hurt the most. Sometimes things work out.. but they have a way of never really ending on the best of notes. Just better than things could have been. Everything is so fucking screwed up. It can all be perfect. I can see that outcome from here, but I know life has a way of stabbing one in the face. | | Tuesday, January 16th, 2007 | | 1:36 pm |
Oddly enough. Baseball legend Willie Mays, and I share the same birthday... and his son is named Michael. | | Tuesday, January 2nd, 2007 | | 4:46 pm |
Ignoramus et ignorabimus
We do not know and we will not [cannot] know. The slogan of ancient skeptics. I'm finding myself binding myself to this thought. As if the harder something is to understand. The easier it is getting to forget. Maybe someday I'll choose to remember all the things I've forgotten how to forget. Because time is nothing. My dreams are meant to be shared, but I fear I do not have the ability to mass market my creations. I've never been able to enjoy success. I've always felt I've lost something. Maybe the more I show others the worlds my mind dwells within.. The less it belongs to me, and thus the more I accomplish, the more I feel I've failed myself. My friends, If my body is matter, and matter is the substance of energy waves that do not really exist until observed, and "locked in". What happens when I stop looking into myself? Will I cease to exist by sheer lack of will? The atrophy of my body created out of my atrophy of spirit. A metaphorical suicide without the physical need to destroy the vessel. Will the love of my friends be able to offset the rules of my artistic belief in already flawed sciences? I have less than a year to find a peace of mind, before I lose it. Hmm, but then again, time is nothing. So maybe if I stretch each second out long enough. I'll outlive you all. A watched pot will never boil. I'll stare down every clock. Make every second an eternity of space. I'll fill them with the synaptical responses of a mad scientist who feels more at home with existential philosophies. Maybe through thought alone I've already outlived you all. Does that make my life wasted? I spent my whole life sleeping. While you were all out doing, I was dreaming. | | Saturday, November 4th, 2006 | | 8:42 pm |
By the pricking of my thumbs..
"a deed without a name" the witches of Macbeth while working unspeakable magics. Pondering the possibilities of magic these past few days. The weirding way is seductive, as well as explainable by modern physics. Interesting to think that the world of science has opened the doors to the imagination in ways that fantasy and science fiction could only dream of. It's just a matter of time before I have enough understanding of the theoretical sciences (like M-theory) to put my idea's to use, and still explain them easy enough for any reader to grasp. If I'm losing you already I will try to explain myself. In physics there is a fundamental problem. Something that has been dividing physicists into differing groups since Einstein's failure to produce a unified field theory. Although to his credit he brought us leaps and bounds towards one. The problem is we have no way to explain everything. Only how things work on really small scales (atoms, quarks ect.) and really large things (planets, suns, and other celestial bodies), but for some reason we can't explain how both work with the same set of physical science. There are four sets of fundamental forces which are needed for our very existence. Strong Nuclear Force (that which holds atoms together), Weak Nuclear Force (that which is released from atoms), Electromagnetism (the electrical connection to magnetism), and gravity (the attraction present in all things great and small). The problem is we have only connected the dots between a couple of these forces. Somehow when we put them all together we get nonsensical answers. Which only causes confusion, and frustration. Sometime in the late 60's early 70's string theory came along. It quickly became a way to describe all elementary particles, as well as the interaction between them. One major problem here though. There were five different theories which all seemed to work, but somehow not together. One theory, but in five flavors. I'm sure that was quite embarrassing to everyone envolved) It wasn't until the 90's when Edward Witten came up with M-theory that gave us the ability to see that in a way they were all right. It was just a matter of it being perspective based. Now the problem is... strings (super small bits of resonating energy inside the atom) are far to small to observe. Thus making it untestable. So we can not really preach this as gospel yet. It is a philosophy of science, but it is as close to an understanding of all things as we have made it. Now, for the real fun. Superposition = the idea that an object, and event can be spanned over multiple universes or realities. This is how I'm choosing to explain all my characters abilities. Including God himself. That on an atomic and subatomic level, all matter and energy can be placed anywhere else, by sheer observational thought. Since all energy and mass comes from the big bang. All matter and energy is related to one other on the grandest of scales. Now take Einstein Podolsky Rosen Paradox or "Spooky Action at a Distance" for example. Which states that you can instantaneously move particles no matter there distance in space. That in and of itself is pretty amazing. Now add to all of this.. the universal speed limit, Light. The entire theory of relativity rests on the idea that nothing can exceed the speed of light. Roughly 186,000 (in a vacuum) miles per second. Here comes the trouble scientist at NEC research institute in New Jersey filled a transparent chamber with cesium gas. The result was the light moved 300 times faster. The light pulse actually exited the chamber before it entered. How cool is that? The theory this produces is that you could see events in time before they occur. This could explain time travel fairly well. Something else of interest in the world of scientific breakthroughs is scientists in Denmark have found a way to teleport subatomic information over short distances. The possibilities for this could be endless. So maybe the magics of comics and scifi movies aren't really all that far away after all. Each day this world grows a little more weird, and a little more beautiful. If only we could spend a little less time bickering over whose God is better, and or has the biggest guns, and work together we could actually get more strange, but imaginative achievements accomplished. For now my comic, music, and my novel are getting the injections they so desperately needed. When I'm done I hope they are as impressive as I imagine them to be. Current Music: NIne Inch Nails - Still | | Sunday, September 3rd, 2006 | | 3:27 pm |
| | Saturday, September 24th, 2005 | | 8:08 pm |
waking dreams.. and cold fevers..
I can not breathe. my sense of composition is failing me. all I want to say is your name. so then why can't I bring myself to say these things to you? Last night I hurt worse than I've hurt in years. but I would never let you know, now would I? Was it because I felt ignored, or was it because I knew I always would be? but you were gorgeous. No matter how much it hurt.. all I really had to do was look at you. it still hurt, but it made it bearable. So when the bar closed it's doors. and all of us "last callers" filtered back out into the streets, and parking lots. I knew how awkward of a situation we were in. Maybe not we, I should chose my words more carefully.. I knew how awkward of a situation I had landed myself in. away from all the fair-weather friends. Back to the normality of it all. just what did I expect? | | Saturday, September 10th, 2005 | | 11:09 am |
these chains are way too long
This has gotten impossible. Working within the confines of a dead scene. Here in lies the problem. Industrial the genre more or less died 95-96ish. Most of the kick ass bands that gave it life from the 80-90's are a.Defunkt b.on long hiatus, or c. Suck now. Don't get me wrong once in a blue moon a song escapes from some of these people, and even rarer someone new, but it really feels long gone are the days of angst, primal screams, driven guitars, innovative recording methods, and harder than nails beats. Then there is me. I have been a part of an underground scence so exclusive only I belong to it. Actually it has consisted of me a shitload of 4track tapes..computers (various) and loads of keyboards all reprogrammed or recalibrated for my special brand of noise all within the confines of my secluded trailor in the backwoods of kentucky. Not the greatest of places to make your industrial debut by no means. Even further more sad when you take into account now one really wants to listen. It's like no one wants to feel pissed off anymore. At least not like they used too. Emo has taken front seat in that areana. Wich to me is so very sad. Let's take a look at the genre Industrial... from wikipedia is a loose term for a number of different styles of electronic and experimental music. First used in the mid 1970s to describe the then-unique sound of Industrial Records artists, a wide variety of artists and labels have since come to be represented under the "industrial music" umbrella. Depending on whom you ask, this definition may include Avant-garde performance artists such as Throbbing Gristle and Einstürzende Neubauten, noise projects like Merzbow or Whitehouse, electronic rock acts like Nine Inch Nails or Skinny Puppy, or writer William S. Burroughs. The term was meant by its creators to evoke the idea of music created for a new generation of people, previous music being more agricultural. Specifically, it referred to the streamlined process by which the music was being made, although many people later interpreted the word as a poetic reference to an "industrial" aesthetic, recalling factories and inhuman machinery. On this topic, Peter Christopherson of Industrial Records once remarked, "the original idea of Industrial Records was to reject what the growing industry was telling you at the time what music was supposed to be." . first off.. this is supposed to be art. This is not bublegum rock. this is noise, and if we want to apply the second meaning with the rise of INDUSTRY.. machines, factories and the economy of powerstruggles between the nations.. we look to science fiction wich in most major lines of thought is what it is made for. (not always but the feeling is there). we must come to understand what makes up science fiction as well. also from wiki In defining the scope of the science fiction genre, we speak of the effect of science or technology, or both, upon society or persons; within the context of imaginative fiction there are a few variables. It is possible to apply the creative imagination to different areas of this idea, for example: * the effect of imagined science * the imagined effect of actual science * imagined technology based upon actual science * imagined technology based upon imagined science * the effect of science and technology, or both, upon imagined societies * the effect of science and technology, or both, upon imagined individuals, etc., etc. wich leads us into dystopic literature yet again from wiki The treatment of dystopias in works of fiction is typically a cautionary tale featuring allegorical warnings or satirical commentary on the nature of contemporary society. In a fictional dystopia, the illusion of a proper, just, or even perfect society is created or sustained by a government which maintains ubiquitous social control through a variety of usually covert means. The effect of this control upon the society is often taken to a nightmarish conclusion, thus demonstrating the corruption or cultural stagnation of the society. Dystopian societies form a common setting in science fiction, particularly post-apocalyptic science fiction and cyberpunk. Social commentators, especially postmodern social critics, may use the term "dystopian" to condemn trends in post-industrial society which they see as negative. now take into consideration most dystopic tales are post apoctalyptic.. it is the warning of things to come. What makes this genre so appealing is that it ALWAYS shows one comman thread. How we got there. What has happened to US that led us to THEM. Now we examine the world around us. We hear all about global warming (come on think about it we are still coming out of a fucking ice age on a plantary time line, much less the sheer amount of lead we pumped into the sky in the 50-70's)..failing economy, the missuse and short supply of fossil fuels (upon wich we are reliant). and the corruption of the goverment.. natural disasters.. and disease. We are running full force into a wall, and the one genre that encompasses all of these traits.. Industrial. A dead scene. To me the warning of all things bad yet to come. Seems so sad no one wants to listen... now you try to be happy when everything you have worked for is considered "neat". No one listens. No one cares, and that is just the way of it. | | Thursday, September 8th, 2005 | | 2:03 am |
"I'm a drinker but I'm a thinker, palace-brothers.. here's to you"
so they say the devil is in the details. wich gets me wondering... Doesn't matter. Fuck it. I've never let a little thing like details slow me down. I got to thinking about my old days with drugs like acid.. and I miss the feeling of electric life. Like the world is painted with neon. So strange. I have no desire to do drugs. I just miss the days I did them, but then I miss alot of things these days. Life was simple, safe, and full of new music, art and the internet was young. The world seemed to have a voice.but now It's like I am at my lowest when i am strapped down behind this machine. Pecking out the thoughts that wont let me sleep. Like the only way to escape the pressure of the day, and the demons in my brain. Is by pinning them down to the internet. At least they are out of me. Fuck if I care who gets plauged with them when I am done. I say this with as much resolve as possible. Considering all the journal entries, and blogs that never made it. All the ones that may actually intrest someone never gets posted. Like even though they wouldn't be very understandable. they are still mine. sometimes just typing helps. Too bad others it doesn't. I find it so odd. That this does not really feel like depression, but I honestly feel at my lowest. THIS IS NOT DEPRESSION. This is just my base state (how sad is that?). It's not apathy, becuase I care way too much about everything. It's just a feeling of doom and saddness,and I'm too lazy to fuck with trying to feel better. And far to bored to get rid of.. becuase at least it is something. There was a time when I was happy and I didn't know it, but it was so easy to tap into these feeling then. I could actually create these feeling on paper, and in little songs. But now I can't even do that. The muse of my creative desires has left me. And I'm left here struggling with everything. Doing nothing. I need just one night that is free of everyone and everything. I mean it's not like everything on the news isn't half apocatalyptic.. and our goverment hasn't failed us or anything. The cowboy president is a halfwit fuck. Oil is worth more than blood. and cities are falling into the ocean.. or rather the ocean is rising up to take away the only real culture this CoUNTry really has. And what of my love life you ask, well my love life is a fucking cruel joke. It exisists only enough to feel wronged. Well what about my career.. well first one word "Jobless".. But even if I had one. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be happy with it. At least not here. In this shithole of a city. DOn't get me wrong I want a job.. but mostley so I can drink myself into an oblivian on my own dime. Becuase everything is fucking scarey. Everything is seriously fucked up. I dare anyone reading this to try to make me feel better. I mean come on.. you can at least try to try. and I leave you my fatefull readers..lyrics to a song that plays like a soundtrack to this feeling of future fumbles, and failings Tweaker - Ruby it isn't always i am well for sometimes i am ailing and yet in steaming night i smile to downplay this my failing and make a noise to bury all of your weeping and your wailing and then in bed by little light and closed off from it all i must try and bring a conscious end to night and hope that dreams begin to fall the color of my dreams, they would be you...ruby oh if i could close my eyes and bring you to me push your head into make you not you not you not you but me and then in dreams i wander free and see some things i'm meant to see and sometimes even i see thee and would the night go on and on and not tomorrow end at dawn and whatever mat i lay upon dissolve the color of my dreams, if i had dreams, they would be you...ruby everything i do is done to bring you closer to me when you sleep your breath it blows right on through me the color of my dreams, if i had dreams, they would be you...ruby the color of my dreams, they would be you...ruby and illness be or wellness thrive my dream proves i am yet alive.. ---------------------------------------- - "I live for all this thing that I heard someone sing when you have no one no one can hurt you" | | Monday, August 29th, 2005 | | 10:43 am |
| | 4:30 am |
Sooner or later we all became what Tyler wanted us to be
I'd kill myself if I thought it would make my life any better. Although I got the suspicion that it would just bring it to a crashing halt. (yes folks.. that is a clever attempt at humor.. not a suicidal tendency) Tomorrow I have to get a couple more job applications filled out and preferably turned in, all in hopes to get them done before the storms hit. As well I have to try and find the time to get some welding, and carpentry done. I have decided to make two studios.. a home, and an away studio. Since I stay at my studio only a couple times a month (even though I am there damn near everyday).. I figure this way I can get more done. More working time I have for the equipment. the more time I have to learn the equipment.. as well as work on my new album. (tentivly called "Love will hold us together, when words and actions fail"..) But I have much work to do to get that ball rolling. Like for one.. if you have never seen a KORG Triton st88 workstation.. it is about 5-6 feet long.. and almost 100lbs of keyboard.. NOT easy to carry around.. and or fit in a car(as in impossible unless you have a seat that folds down so you can access the trunk at a straight or slight angle). BUT I will need to transport it, and since the cases made for them are in my eyes sadly constructed and in need of an update (as in cheap pieces of shit that go for about 100 bucks and in no way insure your boards).. I'm working on making a shockproof case to protect my 3k investment. Leave it to me to make any normal job an engineering marvel. I think I get it from my late friend Michael Fry (rest in peace my friend). He taught me to always think of improvements, and abstract creations. Sort of awakened the inert tinkerer/inventor in me. Oh well.. more on all this later. time to start on the blueprints.. ciao Current Music: M83 - Dead Cities, Red Seas & Lost Ghosts - Unrecorded |
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